agoodwinsmith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
agoodwinsmith) wrote2022-04-26 03:47 pm
agoodwinsmith) wrote2022-04-26 03:47 pm
Entry tags:
Three Years
It has been three years since Lorne died. It was the 24th, but this is kind of like "The Christmas Season" where there is an actual date, but the time all around the date is infused with the event.
The really deep tear-your-clothes-and-cover-yourself-in-ashes grief has passed, but that hard little pebble of yearning nostalgia, like the one for one's childhood, has formed. You know that your memories are a lot more rosy and smoothed than the real events were, but you still want it.
I no longer feel that Lorne is in the house. We used to do what I have now learned is called parallel play, where we wanted to be at home together, but we did different things while at home. If I was on the computer, then Lorne was in the TV room. After his death I just had the normal feeling that he was in the house somewhere.
I have been having dreams lately where Lorne is annoyed with me and leaving me. The first dream made me cry in my dream. Since he keeps showing up annoyed and saying he's leaving, my feeling has become more that this is a process, so I don't need to be too upset.
Even though my conviction is that the personality dissolves at death, I do not know this for sure, since nobody knows anything for sure about after death, so I was worried that my neediness for Lorne would keep his spirit stuck here instead of allowing him to move on to the next thing (grief is not rational). I think the dreams are a new way for me to deal with that worry.
Well. I still miss him. Every day.
The really deep tear-your-clothes-and-cover-yourself-in-ashes grief has passed, but that hard little pebble of yearning nostalgia, like the one for one's childhood, has formed. You know that your memories are a lot more rosy and smoothed than the real events were, but you still want it.
I no longer feel that Lorne is in the house. We used to do what I have now learned is called parallel play, where we wanted to be at home together, but we did different things while at home. If I was on the computer, then Lorne was in the TV room. After his death I just had the normal feeling that he was in the house somewhere.
I have been having dreams lately where Lorne is annoyed with me and leaving me. The first dream made me cry in my dream. Since he keeps showing up annoyed and saying he's leaving, my feeling has become more that this is a process, so I don't need to be too upset.
Even though my conviction is that the personality dissolves at death, I do not know this for sure, since nobody knows anything for sure about after death, so I was worried that my neediness for Lorne would keep his spirit stuck here instead of allowing him to move on to the next thing (grief is not rational). I think the dreams are a new way for me to deal with that worry.
Well. I still miss him. Every day.
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I have sympathy with your dreams. I've had a couple of weeks of nightmares recently, I believe about M leaving for the summer (he's off to Alaska) and Tazlina's health challenges that are clearly end of life issues.
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